The evolution of my love for Nora and Tessa is expansive.Â And although I have loved them from the very first flutter in my belly, as the girls grow and their personalities begin to blossom my fascination with every moment of their being magnifies.
Adjusting to being a parent in my mind has been more difficult in some respects than any other change I have encountered in my life.Â I say “in some respects” because there is a certain degree of necessity that kicks in upon giving birth that doesn’t seem to give you much time to think about anything because your so busy doing all the time.Â But the adjustment to thinking about myself as a mother–as a parent–is a leap that is unparalleled.Â It’s difficult to know what to expect, how you will feel, how you will react, whether you are doing the right thing for your child, your children…
I guess I am sometimes struck by how different my love is for them as opposed to what I thought it would be like.Â Although I have always instinctively loved Nora and Tessa, I didn’t expect automatically to fall deeply and passionately in love with them.Â How can you fall in love with the idea of something?Â How can I love someone that I don’t know?Â So, I knew my love would be a process–the mulling over of each quiet moment with a baby snuggled in my arms, the moments when my heart aches over bumped noggin or a fever, the hilarious moments when their is laughter for just the sake of laughter.
When we bought this house exactly two years ago we make some updates, painted, put in new carpet–we made it our home.Â It feels like my home.Â It’s mine.Â
But, when we had the girls, almost a year ago, they didn’t feel like mine.Â Even though they are our very own flesh and blood.Â Even though we make every decision for them, about them, with the thought of them in our hearts.Â Even though they are are on my mind every morning and the very last sweet moment of every night…
I have realized that they are not mine.Â Rather they are passing through–through us, with us, along side us.Â They are here to join us on this ride.Â And as my love for them grows in each moment of each day, so does the realization that they are mine, but they are not.Â
I am still learning from Nora and Tessa, but this much I know is true, as so perfectly articulated by Bill Staines’ Child of Mine…
You have the hands that will open up the doors
You have the hopes this world is waiting for
You are my own, but you are so much more
You are tomorrow on the wing,
Child of mine.
I love you Nora.Â I love you Tessa.